Portland parking authority, I beg of you. Please, please stop giving me tickets. I am a hard-working, good citizen. But I am now very, very poor thanks to you. Now being a good citizen, I ride the bus to work downtown - not only saving the planet from additional emissions, but leaving more spaces open to my fellow Portlanders who must occupy the downtown streets. So. When I tried to move in to my new home, you gave me two tickets. Housewarming present? When I tried to move out of my old home, you towed my truck. When I parked in my own driveway, and you told me my truck - ol' faithful that she is - was too long for the driveway, and you gave me (drumroll please) yet another ticket. A girl has to ask, have I wronged you in some way? Has this become some sick, personal vendetta? Now don't get me wrong, it's not that my heart doesn't leap to see those beautiful yellow envelopes sticking out of my windshield wipers - what is that, canary yellow? Stunning, really. And those big bright red warning stickers too - I mean I've got to hand it to the folks in your design team - everything is looking tip top. But please, I'm trying to make you happy - I am. I'm getting my permit, I swear it, and my temporary is on the way. So for the love of god, already, stop leaving presents for me. That is all.