I've started writing this blog post just about every day for the last two years or so - me and the weight battle. Kelly versus the bulge. I should honestly start by posting a terrifying picture of me when I was deeply, deeply depressed and carried around almost 200 pounds on my bitty 5'3" frame. I should. Didn't say I was gonna - didn't say I'm ready to do that. Most of the people in my life right now never saw me that way, and the girl in that photo is the monster hiding in my closet, and kiddies, believe me when I tell you, she is a HUNGRY MONSTER.
So I took that monster down in a big way when I joined Jenny Craig, after telling my mom that it didn't matter how much it cost me, I had to fix myself. 200-lb girl, meet 157-lb girl. Nothing to sneeze at. Then, a little later, 157-lb girl, meet 146-lb girl, meet Jenny Craig in conjunction with Weight Watchers, meet personal trainer that rocks... that 146-lb girl became a 127-lb girl totally in love with her new shape and her skinny jeans. The sucky part, as all of you who've been through this know, is that sometimes when it takes everything you've got to get somewhere, you've got nothing left to stay put. Say you used all of your oxygen to reach the top of the mountain... yeah, you might be at the top, but you'll still die. Well my death came in the sneaky, pastel-colored, sweetly scented aisles of Walgreens when I had to wander in there after work, after a particularly difficult workout, hungry and tired... and there in all its chocolate-bunny-beauty, was the Easter candy. That naive girl scout within me tried to shout: "NO! Think of all the work you've done! Look at yourself! Do NOT pick up TWO white chocolate bunnies! Damn you!" She tried. Then the big fat monster in my closet stomped on girl scout's face and, in a voice shockingly similar to Chris Farley's, screamed, "LAY OFF OF ME! I'M STARVING!" Okay so after a three month backwards bender, my head stopped spinning around and I got myself back together again, fortunately not TOO far away from where I'd left off. Still that "little" distance seemed a long ways away, and finding the motivation to, well, work hard, again.
So weight goes off, weight goes on, weight goes off... lather, rinse, repeat. Makes for one sad, very frustrated girl. Now I'll tell you right off the bat - I exercise like a crazy person. But in the last two years I became even slightly more crazy (shut up, there was still room) and my exercise is now really a part of me. I do everything I do because it makes me feel like a rock star - not because I'm not at my goal yet, or to punish myself for downing that whole jar of Creamy Jiff.
Gonna say, the closer I get to my goal, which is now only six pounds away, the harder and harder it gets. Suppose that's the whole thing about reaching the end of a long journey - of course, only to begin the next part - but still... if it were easy, no one would be obese. The treadmills at my gym would always be occupied and I'd take at least four more elbows to the face during zumba class. Us small, fit folks would just look like everyone else, just because - not because we poured our hearts and souls into a hard-fought battle with change. I still use and love Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. I use one of these most awesome Bodymedia gadgets now, and am a subscriber to and huge fan of Shape, Fitness and Self magazines. I've now dealt with that closet monster and defeated her many times - and bought a bigger padlock for that closet. What it boils down to is change. I have changed.
So. Not all days are great, but all-in-all, I feel freaking fantastic. The biggest bummer I've found so far is how little our bodies actually need to function - food-wise, that is. Smaller we are, the less we need. How is that fair!? OH yeah and that I'll likely never again be warm. Ever. Me and my skinny jeans? We're okay with it.