Jitterbug's Beat

Why, oh why must I watch scary movies?

So I watched The Strangerson Sunday with JW in the basement with the lights out, like you do, while fighting the urge to bury my head in a blanket.  I was actually relieved he talked through the whole thing, which is what I do when I get super stressed out by a movie - especially a scary one - it's my coping mechanism.  That movie was ... horrifying.  Simply horrifying. 

When you're alone in your house, and you get the feeling that someone is in there with you?  YEAH, they ARE.  And they're probably standing right behind you but you won't see them.  At least that's what I've felt like in my apartment since I saw this damn movie.  They fade right in and out of the shadows with those terrible masks on, with no point nor purpose except to terrify, torture, then eventually, kill.  Great!  Where do I sign up?  At one point the masked dude is following a guy down the hallway with an axe poised over his shoulder, creep, creep, creep.  You KNOW the guy can sense there's someone behind him, but as he goes to turn around, that damn axe-weilding-mask-wearing-son-of-a-bitch goes skittering right out of the frame, without making a sound.  Unbelievably scary.  And all I can think of was NONE of this would have happened if Liv hadn't been SO STUPID as to turn down a marriage proposal from Scott Speedman.  Tsk tsk lady.

Time on my hands.

Memorable quotes from some of my favorite movies, all mixed up.  Don't judge me.  Enjoy.

"There are few things in this world more unsettling than going in the back to grab some condiments and end up staring at a huge, steaming pile of cock."

"What's the matter Colonel Sanders?  Chicken!?!"

Monty: "Take whatever advice that she gives you with a big grain of salt."  Serena: "Yeah, and take anything that he gives you with a shot of penicillin."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"It's like we're stuck in a fucking time paradox where neither our wisdom, nor your virginity, will ever escape."

"Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!"

"I've got news for you pal, you ain't leading but two things: Jack, and shit.  And Jack just left town."

"Yeah, people have weird names nowadays.  Once I pulled over this man-lady and his legal first name was "Fuck."  He was Vietnamese, so it was spelled "Ph," but that's still pretty jarring to see on a drivers license."

"With women, it's always one of two things.  Either they won't sleep with you and then there's really no need to ever call them again.  Or they DO sleep with you ... and then there's really no need to ever call them again."

"What?!?  You went over my helmet?!?"

"What is it like to have a gun?   It's like having two cocks.  If one of your cocks could kill someone."

"It's a trick.  Get an axe."

"It's like a three thing ... it's like ball, dick, ball."

"She's actually a pretty sweet girl ... when she's drunk."

"Shut the fuck up ... and take off that vest.  You look like Aladdin."

"Momma said they's my magic shoes.  Mama said they would take me anywhere.  'Course mama used to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard."

Because its been awhile.

Because BFF's have to stick together, Kristi sent me a Halloween article about movies that scare us the most, and my top fav zombie flick was listed - 28 Days Later.  The article ended with "...even now, I sometimes look out the window to my ground-floor apartment and think: 'there's no way those bars are strong enough to hold back the zombies.  I'm toast."

I had recommended to Kristi to watch 28 Weeks Later - the sub-par-somewhat-sequel to 28 Days.  Still, it's a zombie flick, and it's Halloween, right?  Plus there are some most exellent scenes - especially in the beginning when the human hideaways are fleeing their zombie-infested house.  The woman is upstairs and this kid decides to hide in a closet - (pppuuuullllleease, seriously, zombies - and the kid hides in the closet?  I call this "thinning the herd.")  So anyhoo, the woman goes back for the child and thereby is separated from her husband and cornered by the zombies - well the husband turned tail and ran, without them, leaving them to their surely hideous fate.  At this point in the movie, Kristi asked her boyfriend if he would leave her like that if they were in the same situation.  He very calmly looked at her and said, "Honey, if we were in the same situation, I don't think you would be doing anything that stupid.  You'd probably give the kid to the zombies."  Her response?  "He's so right.  That kid would totally be bait."

She said, and I concur: "As for children, if their little legs didn't slow us down, then surely their constant whimpering would do us in.  They're toast." 

Now neither she nor I actually have children.  So in that same situation?  You may want to watch out for yours.  Hehehehe.  Happy Halloween.

 

An all-time favorite.

I got to see this last night... wonderful, magical, a little drunk ... it was fantastic.  My first 3-D ever!

It's a good thing.

Go check out the new Post Secret video, here.  Yeah, I never did see my secret, but I still feel better for having sent it.  Besides, I've got lots more.

Spider-pig, Spider-pig ... does whatever a spider-pig does...

They look just as excited as I am to see THE MOVIE.

Oh for glaven out loud.

Awwwww, THIS is BULL.  Everybody knows that the Simpsons are from Springfield, OREGON.  Seriously.  Never been clear?  Pshaw.  People, I implore you. 

28 Weeks Later

I begged my friend to come see it with me - I do hate to watch zombie flicks by my lonesome.  Why?  Besides the general terror and mayhem, it's because afterward, if I have to go to the bathroom, I end up freaking myself out and am comforted knowing there's someone waiting for me outside the door, so if I do get devoured whilst trying to use the potty, someone can alert the authorities.  So to those of you out there who are like-minded, I do recommend this film, although it was nowhere near as good as the first (not a big surprise) and although as my friend put it, it was one long trailer for the third film to come.  And no, this one doesn't star Sandra Bullock.  And I didn't happen to mention the bathroom-bit to my friend, so JW, if you're reading, there's yet another confession for you. 

Everything's coming up zombies.

Oh boy oh boy ohboyohboyohboy.  Got the link to this article from my friend Molly this morning.  I love that my friends know to keep me updated with zombie-goings-on.  They will be the first ones hand-picked for the ass-kicking-zombie-ninja-squad I'll be forming when it all goes down.  Yeah, you can laugh now, but you're off the squad.

They want to eat your brain: Zombie attack

If ‘28 Weeks Later’ whets your appetite, check out this undead to-do list…

	The Rage virus is back to wreak havoc once again in "28 Weeks Later." These guys move fast and leave a lot of gore in their wake. Thank goodness.  View related photos
Fox Atomic

COMMENTARY

By Dave White

MSNBC contributor

Updated: 6:59 a.m. PT May 10, 2007

If the terrorists forced me to choose between people in rubber monster suits stomping all over Tokyo and a good intestines-munching zombie — and, really, God bless the USA and all our precious freedoms that I don’t — I’d probably choose the rubber-suited guy. But because “28 Weeks Later” opens this week, I’m here to talk about my second favorite class of monster citizen. And really, it’s a very close second. I love zombies.

They have pretty much everything going for them, the zombies. If created with love and care then they’re usually disgusting to behold, and that’s always preferable. They don’t give long-winded speeches about their upcoming plans because everyone knows that all they really want to do is eat live human flesh.

And they ordinarily don’t have feel-sorry-for-me back-stories to try to help you understand their true feelings and motives as zombies. Their job is simply to destroy everything in their path. And just like the shark in “Jaws,” you’re happy no matter what the outcome to their story.

If they get killed in the end then it’s because someone had to blast their brains out or blow them up somehow. So, you know, that’s awesome. And if they don’t get killed in the end then you, the viewer, are free to enjoy their non-stop reign of terror and blood-feasting well into multiple sequels. It’s always win-win with zombies.

For the purposes of the you-oughta-see-this list that follows, I’m going to assume that we all know about the George Romero movies. “Night of the Living Dead,” “Dawn of the Dead” and “Day of the Dead” are classics of the genre. I can’t tell you anything more about them that could add one more piece of vital information that someone hasn’t already written or said. They’re amazing. They’re vile. They’re perfect.

And “Land of the Dead,” which is kind of like “Dude, Where’s My Car?” but with zombies, is not so bad either. If you’re new to the world of the living dead then you need to start with them, definitely. Meanwhile, if you’re all caught up on the basics, check out some of these…

In no particular order, I would allow the following films to eat my brains for dessert:

1.  “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things” (1972)
Some really aggressively annoying jerks decide that a mock-Satanic ritual in a cemetery is a fun night out. They raise the dead. The dead eat them. Then the dead steal the jerks’ boat. You’re on the side of the dead in this one.

See also: “The Blind Dead” (1971), where blind Spanish zombies steal horses for transportation to make up for the fact that they are blind and that the undead are notoriously slow.

300

Go see it.  Oh, so, so good.  And boys?  Make sure you go into that theater with your manhood in check.  You're about to feel very, very puny.