Jitterbug's Beat

Smells like Team Spirit.

Overheard from one Notre Dame fan to another this last Saturday, as I slid on to a bar stool that a rather obnoxious, vociferous Penn State fan had just exited ... "Man I'm glad she's sitting here now.  I was about to punch that other girl in the face." 

I love football.

You might be gay if...

Girl one: "Check out my new mood ring!"

Girl two: Oh that's neat - what do all the colors mean? 

Girl one: (pulling a paper out of her purse) Well here they all are - but mine has all these dolphins on it - and they're all different colors.  I have no idea what that means.

Girl two: You've got the whole rainbow.  It means you're gay!

From the mouths of babes ...

My friend and co-worker JJ escorted her 4-year-old daughter on a trip to the library, on the bus.  Brianna was really excited, as were some other kids who had never ridden a public bus before.  After they were all seated and the bus took off, one little girl exclaimed, "This is better than riding a hippopotomus!"

And at the grocery store recently, JJ was buying snacks for lunches and one little boy walking past with his mother, whose cart was full of fruit and veges, looked into her cart imploringly and said, "I wish you were my mommy."

Mugging the Elderly? I may have to re-think my weekend plans.

I overheard a particularly funny conversation between two girls as I walked back from the coffee shop today downtown - I actually walked a few blocks past my office to hear the end of this conversation.  It was worth it.  I hope I've done it justice in remembering ... they were talking through peals of laughter.

Girl 1: "I LOVE that we can laugh about this - I can't believe I found a way to make it more twisted - we are too much!  Seriously, think of the perspective: in a nutshell - who are we hurting?  Ourselves, maybe, and that's a weak maybe, but really, no one!  We're not stealing, robbing, beating old ladies, committing identity theft, mugging the elderly, engaging in acts of arson - unless its the loins that you set on fire with your sexiness OOOOH score for me, ZING!"

Girl 2: "Yeah boys SUCK, those effing boys .. "

Girl 1: "Effing boys is right - you eff them day and night, left, right and center!"

Girl 2: "OUCH!"

Girl 1: "Sorry, this is out of character for me.  You must be making it super easy.  WAIT ... did someone say something about you being SUPER EASY!?!   Oh I'm sorry, I swear on a stack of bibles that I didn't think of that before I said it ..."

Girl 2: "You know you can't swear on a stack of bibles - contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.  HA, zing back at ya!  No, no it's fine, seriously, just hurt my feelings - keep 'em coming.  Wait a sec - did I just say KEEP 'EM COMING?"

Girl 1: You just zinged YOURSELF!

Well? Which is it?

Last night while walking to the gym, a man next to me on the street was having an extremely animated conversation on his cell phone, and while gesturing wildly with his hands exclaimed, "I mean for Pete's sake, are you a QUARTERBACK, or are you a 16-year-old girl going on her first prom date?!?" 

Hmm ... I wonder if he was referring to the Ohio/Florida game ...

Well that's one way to put it.

Today my friend Zoe was looking out the window and said, "That sky is one moody bitch today."

oooookkkkaaaayyyy...

This morning as I walked the cold, rainy seven blocks to my office from my max stop, I passed a man fumbling with his keys, a paper lunch bag and a cell phone - all of which he propped up on top of his car.  As I passed, I heard this terrible noise - a woman, seemingly calling for help - I looked around frantically, expecting to see someone hurt, on fire, fleeing for her life from Godzilla or zombies or ... god knows what, I tell you, it sounded awful.  It took me a second, and then I turned around and realized this guy was reaching for his phone on his car.  The sound?  It was his cell phone ring - and it wasn't a woman in fear for her life, it was a woman in the throes of passion.  Could have been directly recorded off some hideous 70's porno.  I am still sitting here trying to decide whether to be amused, sickened, furious  or confused.

Out of the Mouths of Co-Workers.

My co-worker today and I were discussing hot boys in Hollywood - like one does, and she refered to Nick Lachey as "Lick Nachey."  I think Freud rolled over in his grave for that one.

Overheard

At the courthouse this afternoon, one attorney to another:
"I mean she's a prostitute, right?  She's got to have naked photos somewhere."

Oh the humanity

How is it that every time I get stuck on a bus in the evening coming home from Beaverton Transit Center, I get stuck next to these guys?

Drunk 1: "Name one president who wasn't a lawyer!"

Drunk 2: "Clinton wasn't a lawyer."

Drunk 1: "Yes he was - he was involved in Watergate."

Drunk 2: "He was involved in that because he owned that bank."

Drunk 1: "But like I'm saying, if you build a prison in the middle of the Sahara Desert, say you escape, right?  You tunnel out and when you get to the surface, 100 feet away, you have nowhere to go but through the most inhospitable territory imaginable.  And he was definitely a lawyer, trust me." 

And then they sit down.  Next to me.  Always next to me.